I'm waiting for my class to start, so I figured I'd post something. SINCE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DECIDED TO NEGLECT THE BLOG. JERKS.
These past few months have taken a toll on me. There's so much that I have to deal with. And my mom is getting mad at me because I haven't packed all that much yet. I haven't had the timeeeee. When I'm not working, I'm at school. When I'm not at work or school (which is never), I have piles of homework to do. If and when I get a day off, which hasn't happened in three weeks.. I want to sit on my butt and just not worry about anything. I don't want to pack. I don't even want to move for that matter. I've avoided telling my parents that I don't even want to move, solely because my dad is happy working in Arizona now. His boss is super nice to him, and my brother even got a better job as well. They're happy out there, I don't want to rip that from under their feet. Besides, I can just use my time in Arizona to get myself rolling on my own two feet and hopefully begin my career as a writer. (Hopefully the solitude will help me adjust to a schedule to begin writing of any kind). And my parents are getting me a dog. Which my mom is trying to dissuade me again because she thinks my new dog will get attached to everyone else just like Popsicle did. UMMM NO. Nobody will touch my puppy until he/she learns who their mother is. If they do, I will murder their faces. I want somebody to attach myself to while I'm out there. My sister is there for sure, but she works all the time. Plus, I feel like endlessly seeking her attention will annoy her to the ends of the earth. So I'd like to get a dog whom will give me unfaltering love and affection.
Furthermore, most of you know by now who Joe is. I feel like I should elaborate because it seems like he just popped out of nowhere from what little details I've shared. Okay.. anyways. Joe is my coworker. He was hired back in December, and we never really talked all that much back then. We were both just keyholders and would only work together every so often. Quite recently however, we've been working more together and it's just been a blast. We joke around and poke fun at one another, and it's all around my ideal situation at work. It wasn't until recently that Joe began to seem more interested in me. (I feel like I should add that he got divorced from his wife, whom were married for ten years, and that he's 28 years old. Eck.) When I first met him, I honestly had a crush on him. He's a super good guy. He's really nice, funny, and understanding. But then I learned he was 28, and I pushed myself away completely. I still joked around with him, sure. But I sort of avoided anything more intimate than just being friends. (Ask Alex, I was frantic about texting him because I wanted it to be casual and friendly, and I'm not the greatest at realizing when I've flirted with someone.) But somehow, things escalated. And Joe admitted that he liked me. At this point I was both flattered and upset. I didn't know what to do. Hell I still don't know what to do. It's not everyday a 28 year old who was recently divorced admits he has feelings for you. I never actually told him that I liked him back. I still haven't even mentioned it. But he's kinda assumed that I do since I didn't deny it. Don't get me wrong.. I really do like Joe. Even maybe romantically. Who wouldn't? But he scares me. He honestly frightens me. This older, cute, and nice guy who shares a lot in common with me actually likes me. It's unnerving. I don't know how to react. I don't know if I should pursue his interest or to just push it away entirely. I'm moving, so nothing good would come of pursuing it, and I wouldn't want to hurt him by just leaving if something did happen. But I also don't want to hurt his feelings by turning him away, plus there's the fact that we have a scary amount of things in common. In general I feel like myself, as well as increasingly happy when I'm near Joe. And I feel safe, as well as comfortable around him.
Yesterday though.. I started to panic because things were definitely escalating. I mean.. Joe had technically pushed me into a date with him. (Well.. pushed isn't the right word. He offered, and I didn't technically tell him no.) So we're going to Portillo's tomorrow. After that he wants to hang out for a bit and be nerds. Wooo. This was all well and fine.. Until I started to feel trapped. I wanted to scream because I didn't want to get stuck in a relationship again. Luis officially scared me of relationships and I don't want to feel that amount of stress and pressure to please another person again. So I think I've decided to talk to Joe and pursue a slower pace. I do like him, I'm just not ready for anything yet. Besides, I'm not entirely sure if my feelings for him are real, or if they've just come about because he's interested in me. So.. a slower pace should settle out my fears and concerns. We'll see how it goes from there.
Anyways, this has gotten super long. But my point has been made.
Until next time I feel like sharing my thoughts,
Marissa <3
