*creeps from the shadows*

So, I could give an explanation as to why I haven't posted in a long time but my only excuse is that my laptop doesn't work (again). And that excuse became invalid when I downloaded Blogger on my tablet. So really I have no excuse.
I'm happy to say that I am finally making a slow climb back up in my life. My depression has gotten a lot better thanks to new meds and some pretty cool people. The day I realized that I really wanted to live felt incredible. This cloud of darkness had finally released me and I felt free. I've cut my dad out of my life completely and I really think that it's helped. He's been a real asshole in this divorce and it effects me as well as my mom. However, my mom hardly lets me go a day without hearing something about him in one way or another (negatively). So, I cannot wait to go to NIU this fall. I think that once I am on my own, I can fully focus on life.
I haven't been doing much besides work and school lately. I talk to a couple people here and there but not much more than that. I've been trying to become a crew trainer at work for about two and half years now and I think they have finally decided on a way to train us to be crew trainers that they are going to stick to long enough to get the title. They have changed the process on becoming a crew trainer so many times the last couple years it's ridiculous. I really just want to get paid for the work I've been doing for years. And for some reason, all of last week and this past weekend we were absolutely swamped. I mean, when I work six days in a row and get close to overtime, its been a pretty bad week. Needless to say, if I had gotten a call from work on that seventh day, I was not picking it up. But that next check will look pretty.
School has been alright. That's all I have to say about that.
Oh, I've been binge watching anime. And reading. Check out the book Ella Minnow Pea sometime. It's so different. I don't feel like typing out a sypnosis so Imma just copy and paste: "Ella Minnow Pea is a girl living happily on the fictional island of Nollop off the coast of South Carolina. Nollop was named after Nevin Nollop, author of the immortal pangram,* “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” Now Ella finds herself acting to save her friends, family, and fellow citizens from the encroaching totalitarianism of the island’s Council, which has banned the use of certain letters of the alphabet as they fall from a memorial statue of Nevin Nollop. As the letters progressively drop from the statue they also disappear from the novel. The result is both a hilarious and moving story of one girl’s fight for freedom of expression, as well as a linguistic tour de force sure to delight word lovers everywhere." It's so interesting to read a book without certain letters. You realize just how important vowels are and how frequently some letters are used that you wouldn't normally think about. It's pretty short. I think I read it in two hours. So its not a big committment.
I would love to play video games sometime but my controller is acting up so bad. Playing Skyrim is just out of the question because I end up drawing my weapon and killing a guard or my husband when I haven't touched any buttons. I can't even watch Blu Ray on the ps3 because it randomly starts fast forwarding and I can't get it to stop. I just need to suck it up and buy a new one. All hope has been lost for this one.
I hope everyone is doing well and I hope this blog can come back to life sometime (I promise Marissa, I read your post a few weeks ago).

*I just copied this into google translate to listen and hear if I made any spelling errors by accident (it's not underlining anything on my tablet) and I'm crying xD it was so funny to hear this robotic cheerful woman say all of this.

CAN YOU HEAR THE CRICKETS

What a mighty fine evening for blogs, don'tcha think? Yes. I think so. Sonce everyone else has abandoned this, I felt like I should rant a little bit to make myself feel better.
My parents, now that I am here at the house alone with them when I'm not at work or school, have taken it upon themselves to criticize my life and have only just now realized that I have issues. My mom has known I have anxiety for a long time now, but she has thrown herself onto me about it since we've been here, and let me tell you. It's only made it worse.
I've also fallen into a state of depression, and they believe its because I'm not social enough. Well, mom and dad, that's not the case. I'm depressed because I'm unhappy with where I am in life and where I'm going in life. Which is nowhere because I don't have any damn clue as to where I want to go. I was so dead set on being a writer. But lately I've ground my teeth together in frustration at the thought of being a writer. I just don't feel like I could make a living out of it. I'm not depressed because I live in and do not leave my room when I'm home. That is the only happiness I get. I don't like people. I don't like social situations. The only time where I don't feel like crying out of nowhere is in my room.
I am happy being alone. Even when it comes to boys. I remember when I was in highschool, I absolutely HAD to have a boyfriend because I felt like only a boy could make me happy. No, Marissa. That wasn't it. You went down that road, and it made you like yourself even less. No. All you needed was what you already had. Your friends.
I've completely abandoned the idea of having a boyfriend. When I think of a boyfriend now, I don't even get the butterflies in my stomach, the blush on my cheeks, the turn of my stomach, nor do I even smile. It just feels like an empty concept. I know someday I'll meet that one that makes me feel all those feelings again. But until that boy comes along and brings my romantic feelings back, I'm completely fine being alone. I like being alone. Being alone is my happiness. Sure, I miss you guys. I miss you guys a lot. But there's no point in crying about it. I'll just be overwhelmingly happy when I get to see you guys again.
No. I'd rather just be happy that you guys are out there somewhere, and that I'll see you guys again someday.

For now, I'm happy with me and my little lonely room.