What a mighty fine evening for blogs, don'tcha think? Yes. I think so. Sonce everyone else has abandoned this, I felt like I should rant a little bit to make myself feel better.
My parents, now that I am here at the house alone with them when I'm not at work or school, have taken it upon themselves to criticize my life and have only just now realized that I have issues. My mom has known I have anxiety for a long time now, but she has thrown herself onto me about it since we've been here, and let me tell you. It's only made it worse.
I've also fallen into a state of depression, and they believe its because I'm not social enough. Well, mom and dad, that's not the case. I'm depressed because I'm unhappy with where I am in life and where I'm going in life. Which is nowhere because I don't have any damn clue as to where I want to go. I was so dead set on being a writer. But lately I've ground my teeth together in frustration at the thought of being a writer. I just don't feel like I could make a living out of it. I'm not depressed because I live in and do not leave my room when I'm home. That is the only happiness I get. I don't like people. I don't like social situations. The only time where I don't feel like crying out of nowhere is in my room.
I am happy being alone. Even when it comes to boys. I remember when I was in highschool, I absolutely HAD to have a boyfriend because I felt like only a boy could make me happy. No, Marissa. That wasn't it. You went down that road, and it made you like yourself even less. No. All you needed was what you already had. Your friends.
I've completely abandoned the idea of having a boyfriend. When I think of a boyfriend now, I don't even get the butterflies in my stomach, the blush on my cheeks, the turn of my stomach, nor do I even smile. It just feels like an empty concept. I know someday I'll meet that one that makes me feel all those feelings again. But until that boy comes along and brings my romantic feelings back, I'm completely fine being alone. I like being alone. Being alone is my happiness. Sure, I miss you guys. I miss you guys a lot. But there's no point in crying about it. I'll just be overwhelmingly happy when I get to see you guys again.
No. I'd rather just be happy that you guys are out there somewhere, and that I'll see you guys again someday.
For now, I'm happy with me and my little lonely room.
