Wednesday, March 2, 2016

*creeps from the shadows*

So, I could give an explanation as to why I haven't posted in a long time but my only excuse is that my laptop doesn't work (again). And that excuse became invalid when I downloaded Blogger on my tablet. So really I have no excuse.
I'm happy to say that I am finally making a slow climb back up in my life. My depression has gotten a lot better thanks to new meds and some pretty cool people. The day I realized that I really wanted to live felt incredible. This cloud of darkness had finally released me and I felt free. I've cut my dad out of my life completely and I really think that it's helped. He's been a real asshole in this divorce and it effects me as well as my mom. However, my mom hardly lets me go a day without hearing something about him in one way or another (negatively). So, I cannot wait to go to NIU this fall. I think that once I am on my own, I can fully focus on life.
I haven't been doing much besides work and school lately. I talk to a couple people here and there but not much more than that. I've been trying to become a crew trainer at work for about two and half years now and I think they have finally decided on a way to train us to be crew trainers that they are going to stick to long enough to get the title. They have changed the process on becoming a crew trainer so many times the last couple years it's ridiculous. I really just want to get paid for the work I've been doing for years. And for some reason, all of last week and this past weekend we were absolutely swamped. I mean, when I work six days in a row and get close to overtime, its been a pretty bad week. Needless to say, if I had gotten a call from work on that seventh day, I was not picking it up. But that next check will look pretty.
School has been alright. That's all I have to say about that.
Oh, I've been binge watching anime. And reading. Check out the book Ella Minnow Pea sometime. It's so different. I don't feel like typing out a sypnosis so Imma just copy and paste: "Ella Minnow Pea is a girl living happily on the fictional island of Nollop off the coast of South Carolina. Nollop was named after Nevin Nollop, author of the immortal pangram,* “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” Now Ella finds herself acting to save her friends, family, and fellow citizens from the encroaching totalitarianism of the island’s Council, which has banned the use of certain letters of the alphabet as they fall from a memorial statue of Nevin Nollop. As the letters progressively drop from the statue they also disappear from the novel. The result is both a hilarious and moving story of one girl’s fight for freedom of expression, as well as a linguistic tour de force sure to delight word lovers everywhere." It's so interesting to read a book without certain letters. You realize just how important vowels are and how frequently some letters are used that you wouldn't normally think about. It's pretty short. I think I read it in two hours. So its not a big committment.
I would love to play video games sometime but my controller is acting up so bad. Playing Skyrim is just out of the question because I end up drawing my weapon and killing a guard or my husband when I haven't touched any buttons. I can't even watch Blu Ray on the ps3 because it randomly starts fast forwarding and I can't get it to stop. I just need to suck it up and buy a new one. All hope has been lost for this one.
I hope everyone is doing well and I hope this blog can come back to life sometime (I promise Marissa, I read your post a few weeks ago).

*I just copied this into google translate to listen and hear if I made any spelling errors by accident (it's not underlining anything on my tablet) and I'm crying xD it was so funny to hear this robotic cheerful woman say all of this.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

CAN YOU HEAR THE CRICKETS

What a mighty fine evening for blogs, don'tcha think? Yes. I think so. Sonce everyone else has abandoned this, I felt like I should rant a little bit to make myself feel better.
My parents, now that I am here at the house alone with them when I'm not at work or school, have taken it upon themselves to criticize my life and have only just now realized that I have issues. My mom has known I have anxiety for a long time now, but she has thrown herself onto me about it since we've been here, and let me tell you. It's only made it worse.
I've also fallen into a state of depression, and they believe its because I'm not social enough. Well, mom and dad, that's not the case. I'm depressed because I'm unhappy with where I am in life and where I'm going in life. Which is nowhere because I don't have any damn clue as to where I want to go. I was so dead set on being a writer. But lately I've ground my teeth together in frustration at the thought of being a writer. I just don't feel like I could make a living out of it. I'm not depressed because I live in and do not leave my room when I'm home. That is the only happiness I get. I don't like people. I don't like social situations. The only time where I don't feel like crying out of nowhere is in my room.
I am happy being alone. Even when it comes to boys. I remember when I was in highschool, I absolutely HAD to have a boyfriend because I felt like only a boy could make me happy. No, Marissa. That wasn't it. You went down that road, and it made you like yourself even less. No. All you needed was what you already had. Your friends.
I've completely abandoned the idea of having a boyfriend. When I think of a boyfriend now, I don't even get the butterflies in my stomach, the blush on my cheeks, the turn of my stomach, nor do I even smile. It just feels like an empty concept. I know someday I'll meet that one that makes me feel all those feelings again. But until that boy comes along and brings my romantic feelings back, I'm completely fine being alone. I like being alone. Being alone is my happiness. Sure, I miss you guys. I miss you guys a lot. But there's no point in crying about it. I'll just be overwhelmingly happy when I get to see you guys again.
No. I'd rather just be happy that you guys are out there somewhere, and that I'll see you guys again someday.

For now, I'm happy with me and my little lonely room.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Hey guys

Well, hello there. This will probably be very brief. I do read when you guys post so don't think I'm ignoring you because I'm not! I totally love you guys!

Umm not much going on here. Went to comic con a couple weeks ago and met Ian Somerhalder (which was AMAZING I TOUCHED HIM) and bought some more artwork.

School is alright. I only go three days a week which is pretty nice and I have some pretty awesome professors. Chemistry is really boring because its pretty much what we did in AP with Baldwin and in lab I'm just ushering my partners along letting them know they're okay, they're doing this right. But that's pretty much all for school.

Still working. so there's that.

Some confusing stuff going on with Jon... like I have no idea if we're dating again or not. We kissed (several times) after work Sunday night and we were really close, but now its as though that night never even happened and I am so confused. I never took him to be like this and neither does his friends. So we're all pretty confused here.

Yup... that's uh pretty much my life. So umm that's that I guess. Peace out.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Greetings from the other side of the United States

Salutations fellow Earthlings.
Tis I, the great Conqueror Marissa. It's about time I come on here and update y'all on my what's ups and how I'm doin's. I mean. I did move two months ago. I would've posted on here sooner, but let's be honest.. I just didn't feel like it. To be fair, I've been busy with settling in, training and taking care of Niko and my new job. So you can't exactly blame me. Well, you can, I guess. But you shouldn't.
Cause I'm cool.

Let's begin, shall we? Okay. (I feel like I should just make a video for this because I don't even have the motivation to type right now. But I'm too lazy to make a video. So I'll stick to typing.) For starters, I actually finished unpacking my room for once, and it's completely done. Everything is where it should be. The room downgrade is really bumming me out though. Mainly because I don't have the room to add anything else. Which I suppose is for my own good because I won't spend any money on things for my room, or even clothes for that matter. (Psssh. I still buy clothes. I just stuff everything in my drawers and force them shut.)
Also Starbucks is a really awesome company to work for. You get benefits for working part-time, you get real decent hours, you get tips, and the work is so busy that time flies by super fast. And before you know it.. you're going home.

Where to continue.... Oh yeah. So my brother is currently in the process of buying a house. And I've been getting fairly restless lately, and I hate my parents. Normally I don't fret this badly about how annoying and uptight my parents are. But my brother gets to leave. He gets to be free and be an adult. I can't. And I probably won't be able to for a long time now, simply because I don't have the money or the proper job to be able to support myself. And this makes me so upset. I know it shouldn't, especially since I'm only 20. But I can't help it. I've dealt with my parents for so long, and now that we're here in Arizona and I have nowhere to go but home.. I just can't stand them anymore. I want to get out, no.. need to get out. You guys are lucky you get the freedom you do. I'm not allowed to. If I don't text my mom every half hour, she freaks out and thinks I was kidnapped. If I don't tell her where and when I'm going somewhere, she freaks out. I'm done. I'm losing my mind. I want my own place. I want to feel like I have my own space.
Besides that, everything is okay I guess. I'm super bored and lonely all the time because  have nowhere and nobody to hang out with. I've started to write again just to get my mind off of being trapped, and its kinda helping. I'll hopefully have chapter 3 of my wattpad story up soon.
Anyways I'm getting too lazy and all my motivation to post has long since passed. So there.

Love you always,
Marissa


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Sara's Chapter Two

Here's the next installment of my story! I meant to post it Saturday, but I was out of town. So, I'll post it today and hopefully post a new chapter every Thursday.

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As I flung open the heavy door that was the entrance to the residence hall that Kristi and I lived in, I was met with a breeze that was like a soft kiss on my cheeks. Late autumn here in California was a beautiful balance between warm sunshine and cool breezes, which was a welcome change from the wet and chilly weather that I was used to experiencing when I was growing up in the Midwest. I adjusted the straps of my bag and headed down the path that lead to the library. There was a coffee shop along the way that I didn’t have a choice but to stop at. Caffeine was a necessity at this point in my college career.
While trudging along under the weight of my bulging bag, I felt an odd twinge in the back of my neck. It was early in the morning for a Saturday, so there weren’t as many people walking around as there usually were during the week, but there were enough students milling about that someone could get by with watching another person and not be caught. And that is exactly how I felt; as if I were being watched. I scanned my surroundings and didn’t notice anything too out of the ordinary. But the sensation was even more bothersome, as it had been persisting for the last three months.
Pretty soon, though, the unsettling feeling dissipated as my mind began to wander. Ever since I was a child my parents always had to try and reign in my active imagination. It wasn’t that they discouraged creativity and daydreaming, it was just that sometimes my thoughts ran a bit too wild. My parents sometimes thought that I truly believed that the stories that I created were real. I knew that they weren’t, but I have always enjoyed fiction more than reality, so I prefered to surround myself with my imaginary friends and the tales that I had either read or spun myself. To this day I still find myself toying with the art of daydreaming. As I gazed at the trees that bordered the path, I fancied the idea of dainty, sparkling fairies peeking out amongst the leaves. They were preparing for war with the Stone Dwellers who could be found in their cities built deep within the cracks of the sidewalk. For ages the two peoples have been adversaries. Most don’t even remember why, but the elders of both kingdoms could sometimes be heard reciting the tale of the First Battle, which was waged because of an ugly divorce between a fairy and Stone Dweller couple. Since then, the two peoples have been mortal enemies. If you listened close enough, you could hear the catapults being erected by the Stone Dwellers, or even the whistle of a miniscule arrow as the fairies held target practice in preparation of the upcoming battle.
The fantasy that skipped through my head was soon halted as I opened the door to the coffee shop and had to scan the menu to figure out what I wanted to order. It didn’t take long to decide on the same thing that I always bought: a caramel macchiato and an apple cinnamon muffin. As I waited behind the only other person in line, I glanced around the seating area. There were only three other people occupying the familiar, over-stuffed, plush crimson couches and low, round tables with their mismatched, colorful armchairs. They were students, all three with heavy-lidded eyes as they cradled their drinks and poured over open textbooks. I couldn’t see how the soft, warm lighting of the shop would help ease their exhaustion, as I covered a yawn of my own.
“What’ll it be, miss?” said a voice at the counter, and I turned around from my scan of the store to place my order. I was met with a pair of forest green eyes that held a sweet smile in them. The man waiting to take my order was quite attractive. He had a nice California tan, and the type of hairstyle that you could only classify as “surfer hair”. I had seen him working here before, but he had always been making drinks, not taking orders.
I averted my eyes from his and quickly blurted out my order. As I payed the man said, “By the way, I really like your shirt. Space cats are pretty cool.”
I swelled up with pride at my choice of clothing today as I thanked him. I mentally made a note to rub it in Kristi’s face when I returned to the dorm. As I turned around to stand by the counter where they handed out the drinks, out the window I saw a small face surrounded by wild, curly pink hair quickly duck down and out of sight.
I didn’t see anyone else outside near the window. I frowned, wondering what a child would be doing by herself on a college campus. Whatever. She had probably wandered off, and whoever she was visiting couldn’t be far behind. Nonetheless, the uncomfortable feeling of being followed started to creep into my bones again. But she couldn’t be the one that’s been causing that feeling if she’s just visiting family. It was still strange, though. Regardless, she looked harmless enough. Well, at least the top of her head did, anyway. Maybe she had a third arm that had a mind of its own and went around strangling people. I smiled at the ridiculous thought.
I turned back towards the counter. I snuck a glance at the man who took my order, and as I did he looked at me, flashing me a smile that made my heart melt. I blushed and looked away, pretending to be suddenly enthralled by an outdated advertisement of a local band that had played on campus last week.
Just then my name was called, letting me know that my order was finished. I quickly snatched my cup and the small bag with my muffin and pushed through the door and back out into the sunshine. I looked over by the window where the little girl was, but all I saw was a swirl of pink curls and striped tights round the corner. Must have found her parents, I thought to myself as I took a sip of my scalding coffee and headed to the library.
Once at the library, I immediately regretted not grabbing a jacket. It was about ten degrees too cold amongst the maze of bookshelves, but luckily the librarians hated the cold too, because there was always a stack of wool blankets at the front desk. After checking one out and finding a secluded table to claim as my own, I wrapped myself up like a human burrito and pulled out my iPod. It’s impossible for me to study without some sort of music. I flipped through my ever-growing library of music, finally settling on a playlist of The Paper Kites and Mumford and Sons. Taking a sip of my now slightly less boiling coffee and a bite of my muffin, I got to work.
After about two and a half hours of drawing out mechanisms and distinguishing between electrophiles and nucleophiles, I heaved a sigh and leaned back in my chair. I rolled my head from shoulder to shoulder, trying to work out the kinks in my neck. My foot had fallen asleep, so as I stretched out my leg and shook my foot to try and get the blood flowing again, I absentmindedly gazed down a line of shelves, pondering the idea of dust bunnies being actual, live bunnies. Just then, I spied a wisp of pink hiding behind the end of a bookcase. Leaving my books where they were, I got up and decided to investigate.
My foot was still painfully tingly, so I not-so-stealthily hobbled along down the row of books. I glanced at a couple of titles and recognized that I was in the fantasy section of the library. I smiled, comforted by the genre. I didn’t realize that I was on edge until seeing the titles caused me to relax my clenched fists. Something about this kid set me on high-alert. When I got about halfway down the aisle, I suddenly saw a pair of brilliantly blue eyes peek around the corner, and then disappear just as quickly with a gasp.
“Hey!” I called out, a bit too gruffly. My mom has always told me I need to work on my behavior around kids. She used to say I wasn’t gentle enough. It wasn’t my fault little kids gave me the creeps. Especially this one.
Now my foot was back to normal, so I jogged the rest of the way down the aisle, but when I turned the corner, no one was there. I checked the neighboring aisles, but all I found were a couple of students browsing the shelves. They gave me funny looks and told me I should keep a better eye on my little sister when I asked if they saw a little girl with pink hair run by a minute ago. I tried telling them that I didn’t know the girl, but then I realized that may make me sound like a pedophile if I’m looking for a little girl that I don’t know, so I stopped myself and went back to my table where my books were at.
When I got there, I noticed that the half-uneaten muffin that I had sitting by my coffee cup was gone. But when I sat down, I found two undeniably pink hairs laying on my open book. That little shit.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Sara's Chapter One

So, uh, as promised: Chapter One

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Oh my God what is that noise? The thought crashed through my cloudy brain as I jolted myself awake. My body was stiff as I slowly rolled over in my bed to turn off what I suddenly realized was my blaring alarm clock. With only four hours of sleep, morning came uninvited. But, then again, I never have been much of a morning person. I flopped my face back into my pillow and groaned loudly, not ready to untangle myself from my warm cocoon of blankets.
“What time did you go to bed this time?”
I turned my face just enough to peek out from the tent that was made by my auburn bangs hanging in my eyes and the pillow that my face was pressed into to watch my roommate, Kristi, gave me a concerned look as she gracefully sat up in the bed on the other side of the room and pulled her long, sable hair up into a knot on the top of her head.
“Not early enough,” I mumbled, and, with more effort than it should have taken, I worked on pushing myself up into a sitting position. Yawning and stretching, I began to make a mental list of all the things I needed to do today. It was Saturday, but it was the Saturday before fall finals, and I had a heavy class load this semester. Not that it was different than any other semester here at Berkeley as a chemistry major. I heaved a sigh as I ran my fingers through my shoulder-length, messy hair.
“Rosie, you need to take care of yourself. Sleep is important for your health. You wouldn’t want to make yourself sick right before finals, would you?”
Here we go again, I groaned internally. Kristi was always harping at me to take better care of myself. Get more sleep! Eat more vegetables! Stop watching so many cult TV shows and get some exercise! When was the last time you saw daylight?! Easy for her to say, she had more of a social life than I did. And she was a psychology major. She wasn’t required to practically live in a lab. But, we had been friends since elementary school, so she felt obligated to be concerned for my well-being.
I pretended to listen to her rant about a healthy lifestyle as I started to rifle through my closet. I didn’t need to be in the lab today, but I was headed out to the library to review Organic Chemistry, since that would be my first final of the week, so something comfortable was needed. I settled for my favorite pair of skinny jeans, a thin, lavender long sleeve shirt with a space cat on the front, and my pair of beaten up teal Converse. They were starting to get holes in the sides where the canvas connects with the rubber. I’d have to get new ones soon. It wouldn’t take much convincing to get Kristi to take me to the mall. She’s always jumped at any chance to spend some extra cash on a new outfit. And she had a car on campus and I didn’t, and even though we shared each other’s bras she refused to let me touch her Beetle. That piece of crap, rusty Slug Bug was her baby. One wrong move around that tin can and in a blink of an eye she went from Mother Teresa to the devil himself. She even threatened to cut a guy’s balls off just for leaning on the hood of her car. He was trying to be smooth and was hoping to get lucky that night. All he ended up getting was a shameful walk home in the rain.
“Really? Do you have to wear that shirt?” Kristi scoffed, looking at my outfit with distaste. “Honey, you’re gorgeous, but when you wear things like that, it’s a total turn off to the guys.” She was always complaining about my choice in fashion. She said it was too nerdy and weird for any decent man.
“Don’t worry, it’s not like I’ll be parading around in public with you. I’d like to save myself the embarrassment of being seen with you when you’re wearing that,” I teased as she pulled on a rather flattering, tight, ocean blue off-the-shoulder top that complimented her dark hair.
She rolled her eyes and threw a pair of dirty rolled up socks at my face as I went out to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
It was a wonder we had even been friends for this long. We had always been complete opposites. Early on in our social lives, she became known as the pretty popular girl that every guy drooled over, what with her long, lean legs and that doe-eyed smile. She had a way with words and kindness that made everyone love her. And then there was me. The awkward, quiet girl who kept her nose stuffed in a book half of the time and wore “nerdy and weird” clothes like space cat or fandom shirts. Sure, everyone told me I was pretty, and I was always friendly with the people around me, but I had a hard time actually connecting with people. So it had always been a shock to me when Kristi decided that she wanted to jump rope with me one day in elementary school. And since then, I couldn’t get rid of her, no matter how hard I tried. Not that I ever tried that hard.
When I finished brushing my teeth, I filled my mouth with water before exiting the bathroom, and headed back down the hall to my room. She’s gonna hate me for this, I thought wickedly. Before I could grasp the handle the door was flung open by Kristi on the other side. She flinched when she saw me, startled that I was right in the doorway. Her eyes started to widen in horror as she noticed my puffed out cheeks, but before she could react and slam the door on me, I spit the water out, hitting her right in her freshly made-up face.
“That’s what you get for throwing your smelly gym socks at me! Those things reek!” I cackled as I sprinted down the hallway, leaving her spluttering and wiping at her eyes at the entrance of our room.
“Game on, Rosie. You’re done for now!” she coughed out, making me laugh even harder. Yeah, right. She was too nice to pull out the big guns. Where I, on the other hand, could be ruthless when it came to jokes and pranks.
When I figured it would be safe to go back to the room, I stealthily crept back, keeping my eye out for any ambushes that might be aimed at me as my feet padded softly down the maroon-colored carpet that covered the hallway floor. When I made it to the door I grasped the cold metal handle and turned it slowly, bracing myself for an attack. But nothing came as I swung the door open, doing a quick scan of the room. Kristi wasn’t there. She was probably still in the bathroom, fixing her hair and reapplying her make-up.
Before I could give her a chance for retaliation, I threw my books into my bag and headed out for the day.

I'm back

Hey guys, sorry for abandoning this thing.

Holy crap, it's been a long and wild year. I don't even know where to begin with some of the things that have been going on with me. You all know most of the events that have happened, so I'll spare you the recount of those. But, I don't really know if you all know about the mental illness stuff that's been going on.

So, I don't want to go into detail here, but I'll just kind of give you a brief reader's digest version of what's been going on. So, ever since I was a toddler I've had pretty bad anxiety. Growing up it got to the point where I was having a panic attack nearly every day over something. Senior year I got put on medication. That helped a lot. I was managing things a lot better. But then last summer came along, and for some reason I fell into depression. Like, to the point where I just didn't care any more, and suicidal thoughts actually started creeping in. Went to doctors and stuff at school, they diagnosed me with depression and changed my meds. But they don't seem to be helping as much as the last ones did at the beginning. By the end of the school year even Connor thought that things were getting worse. So, I have started seeing a psychiatrist and hopefully that will help. (Wow, this turned out a lot longer than what I planned. Whatever.)

In the meantime, I've discovered that writing is an amazing source of counseling and "medication". It's not the cure-all for me, but my god does it help. I'm going to post the first chapter of the story that I've been working on in a second post after this. I have the first 6 chapters done, but I think I'll post one chapter a week on here (in case I need to change things in previous chapters).

Marissa, Rachel, I'm listening to the chillstep Pandora station right now, and I'm really liking it.

Here's some songs that I love that I have been listening to recently (not chillstep, more rock and alternative):
This chick is pretty badass.

So, these guys are a metalcore band. Some of their songs are scary and I don't like them, but they have some that I really do like. This is probably their most popular song. I'll post another good one by them right after this one. (Plus, I think Oliver Sykes, their lead singer, is pretty attractive. And Connor agrees with me haha.)

I've posted songs by this next band before, but they are pretty cool and just came out with a new album a couple of weeks ago. Here's one of their most recent music videos.

Alright, well, that's about it out of me. Check out the next post to see the first chapter of the story I'm writing.

Love,
Sara