Sexual innuendos

Alex is right.. We don't post on this nearly as much as we should. This is not only for us now, but it could be for us in the future.. Its almost like a diary. I enjoy it. It's like I'm sharing my life with all of you. We may have kik, but we don't get the insight into each others lives that this blog provides. We get a detailed account of how each other feels about certain circumstances. I'm also currently listening to Team by Lorde. I like Lorde. And Team kinda reminds me of us.

Anyways. I'm kinda depressed right now. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know if what I'm currently doing is even the right thing to do. I don't even think I'm happy. I remember back in high school when I was always happy and I didn't care about anything. Those were the good old days. Now it's constant stress for my future, and I'm always worrying about one thing after another. Especially about my relationship. I hate being in a relationship. I'm probably a terrible person for saying that.. But lately its true. I want to be single again. I mean, I love Luis when we're getting along. But lately its been nothing but arguing. I feel like a burden to him, and with all the stuff he wants me to do, or the person he wants me to be.. I could never accomplish something like that. You want to know what he told me yesterday? He is never going to find a relationship like the one he had developed with a good friend of his some years ago. I don't even know how long ago it was.. He just talks about her a lot. She was a major influence on his life I guess. I couldn't do that. I'm not important enough. I'm not good enough, and I never will be. Get a bigger butt Marissa. Listen more Marissa. Stop being quiet Marissa. I can't believe you like that Marissa. Why do you even have your own opinion Marissa? Stop arguing with everything I say Marissa. I love you Marissa. You're perfect Marissa. I don't know what I'd do without you Marissa. Are you cheating on me Marissa? Why are you acting funny, Marissa? Are you cheating on me Marissa? It's like a never ending spiral into depression. I try so hard, but do I really? Am I even trying? I don't know. I don't even care anymore. There are so many tears, and so many more to come. I can feel them on the brink of falling at this moment. I want to be happy. I can feel happiness with him, yet I'm always unhappy. Can I even be happy anymore? Does happiness even exist?

I should probably get ready for school now. But I don't want to. There's nothing for me there, no happiness. Just a dumb class that makes no sense. I probably shouldn't have told you guys all that.. Because I will probably be okay soon. I'm just like Picasso right now. I'm painting a portrait of my blue period for the world to see. Imagine Dragons is my muse at the moment. As the title of this song implies, there really is Nothing Left To Say Now. I want to give up on everything. I just.. I wish everything was as it was in high school. I want to be happy. But true happiness seems far away. I feel like my happiness died along with Augustus Waters. Can I be happy? This is really depressing, and I'm sorry.

On a lighter note.. Luis and I will be hitting our one year next month. Today is our 11 month. I should be ecstatic, yet I'm dreading the day. I don't even know why I'm in a relationship.. I can't leave it. I wouldn't be okay without it. This is probably stupid.. but Luis is the only thing keeping me from completely losing it. He's not bad. I promise. Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just a bad person. Maybe its my fault we lost the connection we created a few months ago, when we were happy.

I want a tattoo. A lot of them actually. A few of them are gonna be Zelda related because Zelda is my happiness.. My childhood. Then I was gonna get a phoenix.. But that was to represent rising from the ashes.. But I'm endlessly falling. Falling into a black hole. Jeez. I can't seem to get out of this darkness. And you guys are probably only feeling bad for me right now. Don't. I don't want your pity. Just promise me you will be happy, for yourselves and me. In the meantime I will discover the muse of my life that will inspire my adventure into happiness, as I have lost it. Oh, I do hope I find it soon. I can't endure much more pain. I need a hobby.

Okay.. I feel like this is enough for now. I'll probably return later and in a better mood. Maybe then I will be able to recite a tale of fortune rather than the misfortune I seem to dwell upon tirelessly. I've gotta get ready for school. Maybe I will find the thread of hope I've been searching for there. Maybe something good will happen. Maybe I won't be so afraid of everything anymore.